Phone cooler makers need to chill with all the ice

Eskil Gunnarsson
By Eskil Gunnarsson
Adoption
That’s too cold! | Image: Amazon

I don’t know about you, but when I have a nasty case of the hot phone, I have to get rid of that heat this instant. Just kidding, I usually just put it down for a while or restart it when it’s being especially stubborn. But there are companies out there marketing a different solution: little stick-on phone-cooling fans that purport to draw all that heat away. And their product images are a little, uh, excessively icy.

How did it come to this? What kicked off this arms race of increasingly frosty phones? I have to assume things started innocently enough, but these RGB-riddled things are pretty squarely aimed at gamers — I’d guess it didn’t take long for these product shots to snowball into the wildly unrealistic pictures on Amazon today.

A blue iPhone with a fan cooler attached. The cooler says “10” on the small digital display and has a blue vortex emitting from its fan.
Image: Amazon

In this scenario I’ve invented, this Trakxy Magnetic Phone Cooler for Gaming is what our patient zero would look like. The tasteful use of a blue phone and blue highlights circling the fan tells me all I need to know about this magnetically-attached fan.

An iPhone-like phone with a purple fan attached, plugged into power. The phone sits upright and has some frost on it, with some icicles forming on the bottom.
Image: Amazon

Some mild frost here and some icicles. Maybe a bit excessive, but I don’t think I’d look at this lavender-colored puck and correctly guess its purpose otherwise, so it gets a pass.

A frosty iPad with a giant RGB fan on the back. No icicles here.
Image: Amazon

Of course they have them for iPads, too. At first glance, this picture is pretty harmless. Until you look at the digital display. Is Teesso claiming this thing will drop your tablet to five below zero? I’m not sure I want that!

A banana yellow fan clipped onto an icy iPhone.
Image: Amazon

For the Teenage Engineering fan in your life.

A black, rounded square fan with blue light sits on the back of a frozen iPhone with mild icicles.
Image: Amazon

Here’s where things really start to go downhill. Black Shark claims this will drop your phone’s temperature by “up to 35°C.”

Two fans blast cold air from RGB circles on this fan, which is clipped to the sides of an iPhone with long icicles dripping from the bottom.
Image: Amazon

Some of them turn your phone into an F-Zero racer!

A dual-fan cooler in all-white is clipped on this phone, which has thick icicles. A mannequin hand has black finger coverings on the thumb and forefinger.
Image: Amazon

At least this one comes with finger warmers. Very considerate.

A phone fan connected to a frosty phone covered in pointy icicles. A hand holds it, and it looks dangerous!
Image: Amazon

Ouch!

A phone covered in snow with white icicles. A very RGB dual-rotor fan is stuck to the back.
Image: Amazon

Absolutely not.

A big, oblong octagonal fan is attached to an Android phone, which is covered in snowflake graphics with icicles dripping off of it.
Image: Amazon

Like the low-opacity snowflake pattern overlaid on this one.

And now, here is the final boss. The phone cooler to end all phone coolers. One that nobody has ever written a bad review of because their fingers are too frozen to do so. I present the Yanism Magnetic Cell Phone Cooler.

An RGB fan attached by magnet sits on a frozen phone. The fingers holding the phone are also frozen.
Image: Amazon

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